Once upon a time I got married in an MMORPG.  Now this stuff isn’t new, people have been shacking up in games like Everquest, WoW (I guess) and Second Life for a long ass time.  Since a time when cyber sex was limited to cam-to-cam and Logitec speakers over some MSN (or fucking AOL) chat room.  Eventually a few brains developed glorified chat rooms called MMORPGS (hate me) which at least gave you the option to opt-out of physical pleasure for the virtual stuff altogether.

Source: Sword Art Online

Source: Sword Art Online

Well I’m not into that cybersex stuff but power to you if you are, haters gonna hate. Anyway, I played Endless Online which makes me cringe now.  Not because of the marriage, oh no, but because half the hours I spent on that were supposed to be allocated toward playing middle school football which I did actually enjoy to some extent.  At the same time this meant that I had gotten my online gaming fix before starting high school so I was over the whole MMO deal by the time most of this other nonsense rolled out.

Back to the divorce, well I was really, really rich in Endless Online (hereafter referred to as EO).  I ran a guild – which is what the rich kids did in that game – with a whole bunch of members.  Shit was going good, I had stayed up plenty of nights getting all these rare items with a friend (a real human I went to school with) who then suggested that I see if I could find someone to marry since he had already done so.  I was wary since I was already running Darklight-Online (defunct) at the time which allowed me some access to user information where I could see, literally see all these dudes signing up to play as females.  Which I’ve heard justified plenty, but we won’t get into that.  He pressed the idea and I eventually caved.

An Endless Online Marriage

An Endless Online Marriage

First thing was first, find a real girl in EO. I had to start with my “circle” first, I knew some people who were pretty cool.  Now a better story would be that I found a guy character who was actually a girl and we got married or some shit. That didn’t happen.  But I did marry an NPC.  If you don’t know what an NPC stands for that’s a Non-Playable Character.  “How the fuck..” right?  Like I said previously, I had some experience running servers already.  I knew a little C++ (although now it’s good ol’ C) and the client and server for EO were pretty easy to manipulate, which is why so many people did hack the game.

I liked finding loopholes though.  I didn’t touch anybody’s code, that’s my word.  But what I did do was look for bad code behavior.  EO was famous for kill-stealing and glitching out of PVP and into non-PVP zones with player-killing still enabled etc.  The shit was a mess but honestly in the best way.  Needless to say I found some bad behavior and worked it to my advantage.  Long story short we never did get to have a proper ceremony.  But it was funny as hell walking around with “Peasant Woman” as my partner.

After awhile of course the next version came out and my glitch was patched to oblivion.  She disappeared, but before I could become a proper widower I was left with a note from the server.  Something about being banned.  The following week  I went to the bank in-game, took out all my coins and gave most of it to my friends.  After that I dropped gold in 10k increments, 30 times all over the main town until I was flat broke.  I sold my suit for a top hat and signed off forever. The moral of the story is, don’t marry anything that isn’t human unless it’s an OS/1 A.I.

Theodore's girlfriend is loading..Source: Her

Theodore’s girlfriend is loading..Source: Her

- Doop

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